The {BACK}ground Story

I haven't figured out why I am writing this yet. I just feel most people don't know the whole story of what happened. The short version. July 30th 2014 I fell off of my horse and broke my back but few know the details so here it goes~

I wanted to get more into jumping. The barn that I was at did not have a horse that could primary focus on jumping so the trainer of the barn offered to get one that I could lease and focus on jumping with.  The horse she got was a beautiful 4 year old thoroughbred named Cassidy.

One for the Tables A.K.A Cassidy

We were told she was broke and had experience over fences. When I started working with her over fences it did not appear that she had much jumping experience at all. That's fine. We will take it slow. We were slowly working our way to get to know each other. She was a little nervous in the ring but she was at a new barn so that was expected. She was a little sassy and lazy, definitely mareish but I liked it. It was a fun attitude to work with. Slowly but surely improvements were being made and she was getting more comfortable and confident.

Then, winter came. The barn only had an outdoor ring. That meant that if it snowed, we couldn't ride. If it was too cold, we couldn't ride. If it was too icy, we couldn't ride. Training became very very choppy. We would have a lesson or just a working ride and then wouldn't be able to have a working ride for a week or more. This caused a lot of the progress we had made to be lost. It did not come as a shock to me that each ride was so difficult because of the lack of consistency. It's not fair to a baby to teach teach teach and then stop. When training a horse especially a young one you can't teach them for months and then stop for a while and expect them to be right where they left off when you stop again. Once winter was over and the spring weather was more consistent I basically had to start all over training wise. It was a lot of hard work. I would get frustrated a lot and fell off a few times in the process. At times I was ready to give up with her. It was those shining moments a good jump or a nice canter lap that would give me the push to keep going. Cassidy had a lot of potential and I didn't want to give up on her or us as a team. Again, Slowly but surely we made progress. After months of hard work we got to a point where we were ready to step into the show ring! One of the best things about Cassidy was that she would behave better off the farm than she would on the farm. I could have the worst lesson the day before the show and she'd be absolutely perfect in the show ring. She loved to show off her stuff and it was always a pleasant experience showing her.

Bethany Airport jumpers/hunters horse show

The day of the injury started as just your average day at the barn. I was running the barn's summer camp which ran from 8:30 AM until noon. I had a lesson on Cassidy in the afternoon after camp had ended. The lesson was going well, nothing out of the ordinary. There were two children playing outside the ring at the other end. I could see Cassidy getting nervous and looking at them. I had asked the trainer if I should go down there or stay down here to let her relax. The trainer insisted I go down there, that I can't let her get away with that, that I have to push her past her fears. Although I still did not think it was a good idea since she was so young lets not push it too much, I trotted down the other end of the ring. As I approach the other end of the ring, one of the children stood up and rustled in the leaves. Cassidy stopped dead in her track and then bolted forward as fast as she could. It all happened so fast. I had no time to grab anything or hold on or even prepare myself so when she bolted I fell straight onto my back. Cassidy is 16.2 HH. 16.2 HH converts to 66 inches. Falling 5 feet and 6 inches straight onto my back as you can imagine was not a pleasant experience. If I think about that moment even to this day 2 years later I can still feel what I felt in that moment. The instant I hit the ground something was off. Something was much different than any other fall I had experienced. I couldn't feel. In that moment I thought, this is it, I'm paralyzed. As riders we're taught when you fall off get up right away in case the horse is running around the ring. Out of habit, I tried to get up but I fell right back down, I simply could not get up. Cassidy had been caught by the trainer in the ring and I laid on the ground for 5 minutes until I found the strength to barely get up and use the fence to get me to a seat on the outside of the ring. I sat there and texted my parents that I fell off and needed to get picked up trying not to get anyone too nervous. My dad drove me to the walk in clinic as my mom followed in my car behind us. I guess the way that I had explained my fall to the Walk in Doctor sounded like I had fallen on my tail bone. He did an examination and decided that my tail bone was probably broken but there was nothing he can do for that so rest up and I'd be good as new in a few days. He took no x-rays. I could not believe this. I know my body and I knew something was not right and it was not just a broken tailbone, I could barely walk. The next day I went to the Orthopedic back specialist who did take X rays. His reaction was much different than the walk in Doctors. If I remember his words correctly he said "Honestly we should've met you in the ER not the next day, you're lucky you're not paralyzed". The X ray showed that I had fractured 2 vertebrae in my middle back and squished a few vertebrae in my lower back. I was absolutely shocked that the walk in had let me walk out (well kind of, I couldn't really walk well) of their office with a broken back. Luckily, my discs did not move and therefore I did not need surgery I just needed a lot of time off. I would have to wait until the bones healed back together and then go through intensive physical therapy. He put me in a brace that made it impossible for me to bend because if I slouched at all, the bones would not go back together the way they were suppose to. The brace had a bar that went across my chest then a metal pole that went vertical down from my chest to my stomach and then something that went around my stomach and then around up my back. I had to wear it 24/7, during the day and while I was sleeping. Teaching yourself to sleep on your back is a lot harder than some people might think. I could only take this brace off to shower which even that was hard because it hurt to stand. Everything was harder with this injury. 

About 6 months after the injury featuring my brother. I was still in a great deal of pain but I hid it as well as I could

This was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. I cannot even put into words how much pain I was in. Everything I did, hurt. The short walk down the hall to the bathroom took 10 minutes. Sneezing made me want to cry. Let's pause for a second and remember this happened at the barn. A place where friends AND the trainer were your second family. The only text I received from the trainer who was right there when the fall happened was, "Will you be able to work camp tomorrow". My mind was in so many places and I was in so much pain, that even though I thought that was a weird question because the last time I saw her I could barely walk, I just brushed it off. Recovery was so painful both physically and mentally. All I could really do was lay in bed and not move a muscle. I prescribed the highest dosage of ibuprofen. I didn't really like taking the pain medicine because it didn't make the pain go away it just masked it for a while. When the medicine would wear off, the pain would be even worse. I really only took it if I couldn't fall asleep. I didn't sleep much during this time. Due to the pain and the anxiety I really only would get a few hours each night. Emotionally, this injury was draining. Since all that I could was lay in bed my mind was non stop. I was constantly questioning everything. What if I never went down to the other end of the ring? What if I never got Cassidy? What if the fall happened because I am a bad rider? What if my friends forget about me because I can't hangout as much? What if I get insanely obese? What if I lose all my muscle? Will I ever be able to ride again? Will I ever WANT to ride again? I had no answers to any of these questions. I got into a pretty dark place in my mind and I had to find a way to pick myself back up. 

7 months later I could sleep without the brace on, I only had to wear it when I slept. 3 or 4 months later the bones had connected back together and I did not have to wear the brace anymore I just had to be careful. I started physical therapy the week after I got the brace off. My physical therapist was a graduate intern from Sacred Heart so he was nice on the eyes which helped a little. Physical therapy was very difficult. Before the injury I was pretty fit and went hard in the gym and now I could only sit on the bike and peddle for 15 minutes until the pain was unbearable. I had lost majority of my muscle. It was a lot of stretching, massaging the muscles, and exercises to get my back stronger. After a year and a half I did not have to go to the doctor or physical therapy. The doctor told me I had lost 20% of the bone. I had asked the doctor where it went and he just laughed and said well thats a good question. He was joking of course but in the moment it as definitely funny. During the fall my vertebrae broke and compressed which is where the 20 % went. I was told that my back is going to hurt forever. The only thing to do was to go hard in the gym and get it stronger and stronger and then it would hurt less and less. The gym has been an uphill battle ever since. I have not been able to get back to the shape I was in before the injury, so that, is still a work in progress. 

Now again, lets not forget this happened at the barn. The trainer had told us that we would not have to pay for Cassidy while I was recovering since I obviously could not ride her. I did not go visit the barn while I was recovering because I could not do anything, I couldn't lift anything, I couldn't ride, I just felt useless and in the way so I stayed away. I did not receive any texts or phone calls from her asking how I was, how recovery was going, or if I was planning on coming back. I felt like she did not understand how traumatic of an injury this was to me. The horse community is much different than any other friendship. It's almost as if there a stronger bond between friends just because of the horses. Your barn becomes your second family. Not hearing from the trainer made me feel as if she did not care about me. I felt like I was just a part of a business. It made me think "since I'm not paying her any money, she doesn't care about me". Her not contacting me in my eyes was unprofessional and made me question her morals. I was so incredibly hurt by her lack of contact with me during this time. Although I was hurt I was still friends with the girls who still rode there. I went to visit my friends and Cassidy. When I had went to visit, Cassidy was not there. I had asked one of the girls where she was and she had said that the trainer had sold her to someone in NY. This was the breaking point for me. I could not believe that she sold the horse on me.Yes, that horse seriously hurt me and changed my life but at the same time I had worked so hard with her and felt it was very unfair to me to not at least allow me to say goodbye or even let me know! After that I never went back to that barn. 

Now once I was mostly recovered I started to really struggle with what to do about riding. It's not easy to give up something you have done for majority of your life. I started riding when I was 5 years old. It's not easy to just stop especially since it was out of my control. The injury made me question everything about riding. I was so scared from the injury I did not want to ride again. The lack of support from the barn made me not want to ride even more. I convinced myself that I was done riding. I had a good run with it and now its time for the next chapter in my life as I started my freshman year at Roger Williams. 

I would still think about the injury all the time. I had constant anger toward the trainer. I would also have flashbacks and nightmares about the fall. I would randomly think back to the moment I hit the ground and thought that I was paralyzed. The dreams were one of the worst parts. Sometimes I have them even to this days. The dream would be basically the same every time, I would be riding a horse and then something happened and I fell the way I fell in real life. The weird part was in the dreams it would never be on Cassidy and it would never be at the barn it really happened. It would be horses I grew up riding and at the barn I grew up at. I just wanted the dreams to stop. I would struggle in my head with if I hated riding or not. I wouldn't post any pictures of horses, I didn't want to see any of my hear, I didn't even want to talk about riding or horses. I was so scared to stop riding. I didn't know who I was without riding. I had always felt like horseback riding was what made me special. It was what set me apart from others. When teachers/professors would have the class go around the room and say a fun fact about ourselves that was my go to. I felt like I was nobody without riding. In a way its almost a good thing that I had to take a break from riding because I was able to find myself and find that there's more to me than just riding. After a while not riding started to bother me. After 10+ years of a riding I didn't want the last time I rode a horse to be the time I broke my back. If I just get back on one more time and then never ride again that would be my decision not the injury's. I made the decision that the summer after my freshman year I would get back in the saddle at least once. 

I reached out to a trainer from my childhood who now owned her own barn. I felt she would be best to go to because I would be comfortable with her and her horses. I knew she would be helpful with taking it slow and confidence. I went to my first lesson with her and my anxiety was through the roof. Once I got there and reconnected with her I felt a little better. Once I found out I would be riding a horse I had ridden before, I felt a little better. Once I got on she walked next to me until I felt comfortable to be on my own. I definitely was not at my best but I was happy it was successful. I rode with her for the rest of the summer and I was happy with it. My back did hurt and was sore always but I pushed through and I was proud of what I overcame. 

Once I transferred to the University of New Haven it was perfect timing and that semester UNH got an Equestrian Team. I thought this could be my comeback. It was perfect that the team rode at the barn that I had grew up at.  We did 6 lessons as a team and it went well. It was nice to be around horses and friends that I grew up with. 

 

I have slowly started riding again and I am slowly starting to fall in love again. I still have thoughts about the injury and question if I want to take the risk of it happening again. I'm torn between my love for horses and the risk of how dangerous it is but I will take my time and learn as I go. 

 

 Overall I wish I had more support during the injury. I wish more people pushed me to talk about it but I understand that I did shut a lot of people out during that time. My advice to people who are always labeled as the strong one is to open up to people, not a lot of people but at least a few and hope they'll provide the support you need. I should've gone to emotional therapy when it originally happened but I address it in therapy currently. I am so thankful for everything horses have done for me and I am glad I have come to terms with not riding intensely just occasionally for pleasure. I have accepted that just being around and caring for horses provides the same relaxation and therapy as riding them does. Cassidy was sold to a woman in New York and she is happy, healthy, and absolutely loved by her new owner. Moral of the story? Don't give up, Believe in yourself, and Be safe.

So that's a little longer version of what happened. I hope it provided some insight into my thoughts and emotions. Thanks for reading!

Kind Regards